Looking for someone to take the pain away. Instead, those that I share with cause more pain.

The agony that I am going through is undescribable. Take me away.

How easy is it to say "Let it go" - tree simple words. People shouldn't throw these words around.

---

I dont want to call this feeling love. Cause it doesnt feel like love. because u feel love when you are receiving it. without both side' s agreement its just pain.

They say that it is horrible when u are next to someone and realize that they are far far away. Well it is. Him an his mind is just too complex. or he just wants it too be like that.

When he is not around, I think of him.

Its obsession. a wierd one. Probably because i cant imagine beeing on my own. Its been nearly three months and all ive done is tangle my life in his. Made a bubble for myself that only includes us.

Not because I love. But because i need to care for someone and have someone carring for me in return.

I always chose the wrong one. Although, im making improvements. He is much better than my first obsession.

And then there is his girlfriend, which i can not call his ex.

He made an ideal woman, girl, girlfriend, wife out of her and can not let go.

I dont want to have the need to live up to that expectation. Because im different. Because I am me and he has to like me for who I am. And im never letting go of this statement. And i would like to say this to him.


Sometimes i feel that we need to go on a brake, but then i get scared. There is not enough time to spear. what if he never comes back? And if i lose him, ill have to be alone. and i cant do that.

I just want him to realize that he needs me, but he is too proud, independant, self-centered..... Will he ever understand what i want?
Or will i always go back to him, no matter what, putting my own pride aside?

---

im gonna leave all phones at home
tell everyone they are broken
so that no one can find me

---

its been way too long, lets go out and play the game, only you and i know the rules.

---

i cleaned the room

washed the dishes

sorted out the bills

watching a movie which is not very interesting and not such a good quality.

what to do. what to do.

---

I was going to go for a run but instead ate a box of strawberries with honey.

for some reason when i start thinking of jogging all my muscles start acking and refuse to move. Wierd...

---

I guess i have learnt to enjoy peace and silence and without the help of my long-hours job. I have never thought that i would enjoy lunch completly on my own with a book.

It was a very sunny day and i was on the terrase of Lausanne Palace and i was left alone with my thoughts, there was almost noone talking to me and i was able to just sit and relax. There are many thingd on my mind that i would like to share and i would have loved to spend that time with my friends if they were around, but there are things that are better left in my mind, family stuff and personal thoughts.

I am back in my room in Montreux, very satisfied with how i spent my free time today and now going to enjoy some chick flicks with a cup of forest berries tea.

Cant wait for my parents to come visit. i miss them so much. they just ned to sort their life out and figure out what we are doing in the summer for "family holidays"
I just have one request - peace, beach, sun and summer fruits.

---

so its nearly 6.40 and i have about an hour to go.
zero concentration and only one wish, no 2.
shower and bed.

icompletly dead.

---

So 24 hours later and omly 6 hours of sleep yet again,
i find myself doing absolutely nothing at work, dreaming and making plans for the summer.
The working hours seem to go faster each day and i am off tomorrow.
so much to do. and so little energy

---

Considering starting to use this again as there is absolutely nothing to d oat work and have to put my thoughts out somewhere.

The amount of times i have to say Bonjour, Bon journee and merci is getting on to me. although this is deffinantly better than running around with dirty plates and hot beverages (what all the other people are doing on their internships) i am deffinantly fed up.

also lost my blackberry and really upset about that. i feel like ive lost all means of communication and is just lost.

theres only 2 more months to go. i hope i dont gain anymore weight but just lose it. at least the amount that i gained while working. otherwise this summer is not going to be pretty but depressing.

speaking of the summer, i have so much planned that i can not wait. the best part od this is that i am going to be DONE with this internship and will be a normal person again.

---

And we are back at square one.

Going around in circles

---

ты прости, я улетаю
ведь я теперь совсем другая

и не надо никого и даже мыслей
и не трогай телефон и заусенца, ты же можешь, я то знаю

оно в тебе - мое прошлое

---

Baby this is tragic. Cause we had it, we was MAGIC!

(Keri Hilson, Knock you Down)

---

Goals for the next 6 months:

- if i become good friends with Lionel, I WILL NOT let me him kiss me (EVER)

- quit smoking (yeah right)

- become truly independent, i.e. no stupid thoughts on " no one likes me, I am all alone again, get used to being alone, everyone has to work at some point

- learn to eat less and healthy

- try not to get attached to people

- learn that family is important, never forget to call.

---

Fuck working on Sunday!

---

There comes a time when you don't celebrate New Years and Christmas at home,
When you send presents and post cards with your wishes by post, recieve the good wishes from your family on the phone.
When you have to take out the garbage by yourself and clean your own appartment, cook dinner for one and pay your bills.
When you have to go to work everymorning wishing that insted of having iced coffee for breakfast you had your mom's pancakes.
Does it mean that we are grown and not kids any more? i hope not.

---

Now that im slowly forgetting about you there is an empty space where you use to be.

---

Things that happen - i can't talk about them, can't write about them.
But there are feelings and emotions that can'r be forgotten.
They haunt me and stalk me every second of the day.
They follow me around like a cloud abouve my head
Then it snows and i cry with the snow.
At least then people can't see and realize.


And then there is only music and history coursework. with the storm cloud above me.
Always. Always.

---

This is becoming impossible.

My thoughts are eating me from the inside.
Now i understand what people mean by i can't breath anymore.
It makes me sick and upset and sick
I can't sleep, think...
He is always in my head, no matter WHAT im doing.
Only alcohol makes me forget,
glass after glass of wine.
Villars, airport, home.

I can't go back there where i will see him every day.

This can't be love cause it kills.

---

Don't know what is the truth anymore.
it hurts. Like it NEVER hurt before, but i can't talk about it.
cause then i start crying
NO1 will ever understand.

Don't know if what i know is true.

I wish i could read yr mind.